My Little Bastard
by thefanficwriter
Summary: AU crackfic. While walking home from the market, Mr. Todd and Mrs. Lovett get carted away by unknown men. When they get to their destination, they learn that they're actually on a TV show called "My Little Bastard" where they'll have to babysit brats.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Got really bored one time and came up with this. I was actually gonna do this for another site since this is quite a popular trend there (except there, the kids are actually supposed to be nice and cute...stupid cutesy asians! LOL jkjk), but then I thought...why not change it around? So...here you are! Hope you like it...and remember, reviews are love! :D (and I don't own Sweeney Todd!)

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><p><strong>Chapter 1<strong>

_We see _SWEENEY TODD_ and _MRS. LOVETT_ walking with paper bags in their hands. They have just finished shopping for supplies for their shops. While they are walking, _MRS. LOVETT_ is blabbering away while _SWEENEY TODD_ stays quiet as he stares into space and ignores the woman. As the woman continues to talk about whatever it is she's talking about, the barber imagines himself killing the baker right then and there—something he's been tempted to do since he came back to Fleet Street (if only there was another baker willing to bake his victims into pies he would've killed her already!)._

SWEENEY TODD: *thinking while MRS. LOVETT is blabbering away* I wonder if Mrs. Mooney's willing to make cannibal pies? I mean, she _does_ use cats for her pies. It's not like humans are any different. Meat is still meat...

_Suddenly, a carriage stops beside them and two men walk out of it. They drag the barber and the baker into the carriage, sending the baker into hysteria. _

MRS. LOVETT: Hey, what are you doing? Where are you taking us? NOOOO! STOP IT! I DON'T WANNA GO WITH YOU!

_Though the barber is puzzled and suspicious of the two men carting them away, he remains silent. The baker, on the other hand, continues to panic._

MRS. LOVETT: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIIIIIVEEEE! NEEEEVVERRRR!

_Frustrated with the woman's behavior, one of the men takes out a syringe and approaches the baker._

MRS. LOVETT: WHAT'S THAT? That's not drugs, is it? 'Cause if it is I should totally report you to the police 'cause that's really dangerous and it can really—

MAN #1: For the love of God, woman! SHUT THE FUCK UP! *injects sedative into her arm*

SWEENEY TODD: *to himself* At least someone here knows exactly what to do with this woman.

MRS. LOVETT: NOOO! I DON'T WANNA—wanna...Ooh, preeetttyyy raaainbow... *falls asleep*

SWEENEY TODD: Thank heavens!

MAN #1: Don't mention it, man. That bitch was getting on our nerves.

SWEENEY TODD: Where are you taking us anyway?

MAN #2: Oh, we're not allowed to tell. We'll get there though. Eventually...*flicks his tongue and winks at SWEENEY TODD*

SWEENEY TODD: WTF?


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **To those that alerted and favorited this story, thank you. And no, I don't own Sweeney Todd.

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><p><strong>Chapter 2<strong>

MRS. LOVETT: *groggily, while her hand is on her head* Ow...where are we?

SWEENEY TODD: *thinking while rolling his eyes* Great, she's awake...

_The carriage door opens, and they see the men again. _MAN #2_ winks at _SWEENEY TODD_, which makes him shudder. _MRS. LOVETT_ on the other hand, is angry to see them. _

MRS. LOVETT: *angrily while pointing at MAN #1* HEY! YOU GUYS SEDATED ME! HOW DARE YOU?

MAN #1: Shut up, woman unless you want me to do it again.

_She crosses her arms angrily in defeat._

MAN #1: Now the both of you – get out of there. They're expecting you inside.

SWEENEY TODD: Who?

MAN #1: The people who asked for you to be here. Now go.

MRS. LOVETT: But—but—

MAN #1_ takes another syringe out of his pocket and she backs away. _

MAN #1: Don't make me do this again...

MAN #2: Stop scaring them! Now, now, come on out. *seductively at SWEENEY TODD* You don't want to be late do you? *holds out hand so they can get out*

SWEENEY TODD: What the hell is wrong with you?

MAN #1: *sighs* Don't mind him. He's just a...come to think of it, I don't know what he is. Just get out. I _really _don't want to deal with your woman anymore.

_MRS. LOVETT beams upon hearing the words "your woman" and she clings to the barber, eying him hopefully. _

MAN #2 and SWEENEY TODD: HIS/MY WOMAN? SHE'S NOT HIS/MY WOMAN!

MAN #2: WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME? *cries and runs away*

SWEENEY TODD: *to MRS. LOVETT* Get the fuck off me! *she gets off of him and cries*

MAN #1: *yawns* You coming out yet or what? I've a date with Lisa Marie at twelve and I don't want to be late for it!

SWEENEY TODD: Lisa _who_?

MAN #1: She's—ugh, never mind! Just get the fuck out so I can go home and get ready for my date!

MAN #2: *from a distance, wails* WHHHYYYYYYYYY!

MAN #1: Whatever.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **I don't own Sweeney Todd.

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><p><strong>Chapter 3<strong>

SWEENEY TODD_ and _MRS. LOVETT_ exit the carriage, revealing their surroundings finally. They are at the gate of a huge mansion, and the doors open. They enter and once they get inside the mansion they hear a man's voice from out of nowhere. _

VOICE: Welcome, welcome, Mr. Todd and Mrs. Lovett! Glad you could make it here.

MRS. LOVETT: *mumbling* We were kind of _forced_ to!

VOICE: Good, good! And congratulations to you both! You two have been chosen as the stars for our first season of...MY LITTLE BASTARD!

SWEENEY TODD: My little wha—what is all this foolishness? *takes out his razor from its holster*

VOICE: *laughs* Please, Mr. Todd, put that away! Remember sir, this is being shown live on the national tele!

MRS. LOVETT: National tele—we did not agree to this! And where's Toby?

VOICE: Oh, Mrs. Lovett, you silly sexy little thing. That's the point! And don't worry about your boy. We're taking good care of him!

MRS. LOVETT _begins to look worried and starts blabbering on about how Toby's so innocent and needs guidance. _

**Meanwhile...**

TOBY _is sitting alone in the pie shop, looking extremely bored. He is waiting for his mum and the barber to get back with his bottles of gin. Suddenly, the door opens and a man with a weird beard and a tall hat comes in with bags containing a bunch of alcoholic drinks—gin, rum, wine, beer, and all that other crap. _

MAN: Delivery for Tobias Ragg.

TOBY: *raises his hand, even though there's really no one else in the room except him* That's me!

MAN: Oh, okay. *places the bags on the counter* Have fun, kid.

_When the man leaves, _TOBY_ walks towards the counter and finds an unsigned note in one of the bags. _

NOTE: Dear Mr. Ragg, We have your guardians, Mr. Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Eleanor Lovett. They're going to be gone for a while so here's a bunch of alcohol for you to keep you occupied. Enjoy.

TOBY: Oh, no, they've kidnapped Mum! I have to save her!*goes on reading the notes*

NOTE: P.S. We're also sending in babysitters to make sure you don't do anything foolish.

TOBY: Crap.

_The doorbell rings again and ten really hot women enter. Three of them are wearing a very short schoolgirl skirts, a black shirts, and plaid headbands. Four are wearing really skimpy French maid outfits, and the rest are wearing bunny suits with matching tails and ears. Each of the women has really huge tits and has a bunny monogrammed on their shirts. All of them are also wearing towering high heels. _

FRENCH MAID #1: Umm, excuse me...we're looking for Tobias Ragg? We were told that he needed us here.

TOBY: *wide-eyed, drooling, and stammering* Well-wh—I—uh...Th-th-that's—th—that's me! An-an-an—and you—you're wh—who?

BUNNY #1: We're your babysitters.

TOBY: B-b-baby-ba-bay-babysitters?

FRENCH MAID #2: Yes. Since you're all alone, the company sent us to take care of you while your guardians are gone.

TOBY _continues to stammer and drool while gaping at the women._

SCHOOL GIRL #1: Oh, don't worry. *approaches him and hugs him, making him turn beet red because her boobs are practically in his face* We're going to take _good_ care of you!

_All the other women run to him and hold him. _

BUNNY #2: Rachel, you're scaring him!

BUNNY #3: Oh, poor baby! He's so cute!

FRENCH MAID #3: We're going to have lots of fun!

_TOBY continues to drool as the women gather around him. He is in a state of euphoria, and appears to have forgotten about Mrs. Lovett and Mr. Todd. _


	4. Chapter 4

Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote this. I guess I was in one of those hyper moods when I wrote this! I shall continue this otherwise. I can't help but feel like such a crackhead for this though. Anyway, here's the next chapter for this crack piece. I hope you enjoy it.

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><p><strong>Chapter 4<strong>

MRS. LOVETT _is still freaking out, going on and on and on about how worried she is about_ TOBY. SWEENEY TODD _on the other hand is pacing, trying to figure out who the voice is. Although he is preoccupied, he can still hear_ the _baker's voice, a voice which continues to aggravate him._

MRS. LOVETT: Oh, and who's going to feed him? This is horrible! He must be starving right now. Poor thing. He needs me there! He needs me! Now, now...if only I know where I am then I can leave and go back to Toby. *quietly to herself*Yes, yes of course...tonight when everyone's asleep I'll sneak away into the night! That and then—

VOICE: You do realize that broadcasting your plans on live national television isn't a good idea right?

MRS. LOVETT: What? Who— *slumps* Oh, bugger!

VOICE: Besides, you're trapped. Guards are standing by _every corner of this house_ to make sure you don't escape! Isn't that just WONDERFUL? Think about it, Mrs. Lovett—it's publicity! As soon as you're outta here, yours and Mr. Todd's shop is going to be _full _of customers. Who knows? I might even be one of them!

MRS. LOVETT: *lightens up* Customers?

SWEENEY TODD: You?

VOICE: Why, of course! You'll never know...

SWEENEY TODD: *evilly* Delightful...

SWEENEY TODD_ and _MRS. LOVETT_ exchange sinister looks. _

VOICE: *nervously clears throat* Alright then... *takes a breath* Okay. Sooo...why don't you head on upstairs now so you can meet the children?

MRS. LOVETT and SWEENEY TODD: Children? What children?

VOICE: Now, Mr. Todd and Mrs. Lovett, when you reach the second floor, keep walking straight and take the path on the left wing. There you two will find a bunch of doors. Enter the second-to-the-last door from the very end of the hallway and you should be good. Now go. They're very excited to meet you!

_The barber and the baker find the room wherein they were told to go. When they finally enter, they find three boys and one girl all at about the age of eight, all trapped in glass boxes. In the first two boxes, there is a raven-haired boy with really dorky glasses, and a red-haired boy. In the next two boxes, there is a blonde boy and a girl with frizzy brown hair. Each of them is clad in black robes. While the blonde boy and the raven-haired kid are trying to break free from their glass boxes, the redhead is picking his nose and the little girl stays silent. She seems to be lost in her own world while twirling her hair between her fingers. _

MRS. LOVETT: What the—

_Suddenly she is cut off by the sound of the _VOICE_. _

VOICE: Nice to see you've found the room! Aren't the children just wonderful? *shouting at the kids* POTTER! WEASLEY! MALFOY! GRANGER!

_All four children freeze in position and look at the two people standing near the door as the glass boxes are lifted from the ground, releasing them_

VOICE: Kids, this are—

RED-HAIRED BOY: Bloody hell! It's Dr. Frankenstein and his whore!

MRS. LOVETT: Hey! Who are you calling a—

BLONDE BOY: Stupid Weasel! It's not Dr. Frankenstein; those are just a couple of stupid muggles.

FRIZZY-HAIRED GIRL: No they're not! That's Johnny Depp looking like he just did drugs and...and...*gasps and points to MRS. LOVETT* YOU!

BLACK-HAIRED BOY: BELLATRIX LESTRANGE! Aren't you supposed to be in dead?

MRS. LOVETT: Now, what on Earth di—

*The black-haired boy runs towards Mrs. Lovett and clings to her leg*

BLACK-HAIRED BOY: I don't care if you're supposed to be with Voldemort's party, or if you tortured Hermione and killed Dobby and a bunch of other people. You're hot, and I love you, and as long as we're together, nothing will ever come between us again!

VOICE: SHUT UP, YOU FILTHY LITTLE BRATS! And Pothead, do us all a favor and get off of the damned woman, why don't you? These two are not whoever you just called them. They are Mrs. Lovett and Mr. Todd. They will be your mother and father from now on until six months from now. They will take good care of you, so make sure you're in your best behavior. *tone softens and becomes pleasant* Alright?

_The three children glare at the barber and baker. _

VOICE: Now, now—how convenient is this? I can just identify you with your hair color! Alright well anyway, the tar-head right here with the glasses is Harry Pothead. He's a little self-centered and thinks everything's all about him so just go along with it. The carrot-top is Ronald Weasel—nothing but a dumb dipshit, I tell you. Piss-hair is Draco Malfag, another self-absorbed bastard. As for the female with a huge head of what looks like stringy feces, Hermione Granger, a bloody smartass, she is. You'll either find her raving about the most recent gossip, stuck in her own world, or reading a book. Well, now that you know all there is to know about your kids, good luck!

_The black-haired boy, who is now known as HARRY POTTER (or Pothead, as the VOICE refers to him), once again clings to MRS. LOVETT'S leg. _

HARRY (with shallow breathing): We're going to have so much fun together, Bellatrix Lestrange. I promise—you will not regret every single millisecond we spend together. I love you.

MRS. LOVETT: I'm not exactly sure you have the right person, love.

SWEENEY TODD: Kill me now. Please, please, please, kill me now.

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><p>Yeah...so I inserted Harry Potter charaters. Very original, right? LOL Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that. See ya next time ^_^<p> 


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